I had so many ideas on what should be the big tan tan tarraahh moment. The idea that will set the tone for all the ideas that mic drop idea. The one that will touch your soul, change your life and make you forever grateful to me because without that idea your life was a hot mess.
Either that or just build you guy’s up for the big idea. If there is even one. We will never know mwahaha.
Anyway, if you have already offered an eye roll and a yawn (how dare you!) I’m getting to the point of this blog after this. I’m smiling so hard at my own post. Do you ever just feel you’re the funniest person ever? I do. Maybe the first post should have been about how hilarious i am. If only.
I AM A RIDER BUT I WONT DIE WITH YOU.
I would say that i am publicly an extrovert but privately an introvert. And according to these 100% legit personality questioners on facebook that I dedicate myself to will also agree. In the past two years i have found myself in a state of solitude. I was probably in that state a year before as well but i wouldn’t count it as proper three years. Maybe because all i did in the first year is spend half of it praying for a person like me or searching for that one person who i felt ticked my friend requirements at the time.
I was THIRSTY! for FRIENDS!
I was tired of my crowd. I was tired of everyone besides my perfect old self and just wanted to take a back seat for once.
My aunt once told me “Some people only pour a cup into your life because that is all they have but because you are a jug you don’t feel like there pouring anything.” So i was at cross roads with myself. Was i being to selfish? Isn’t it my right to be selfless? Was it me? Was it them? I didn’t know what line to tow without overstepping the other. Were all cups and jugs to someone really. All i knew is that i was drained. I didn’t care who the jug was or who was the cup. I wanted everyone to step up. I was tired of always filling people up. I was tired of always asking God for strength for all the strength to be used up. I was praying one day asking God for new friends seriously and i just felt this sense of YOU NEED TO CHILL CLAIRE! Let’s just say i am still chilling and I am content in that chill. The way i’m Chilling adds a new definition to the word chill. I have become very comfortable in my Solitude.
When i started to become comfortable within my solitude i realized that i heard a better sense of discernment and a higher standard for my expectations for all the things that deserve me, things I can work through and what the things I need to let go and say goodbye to. Solitude is a dangerous thing because you end up becoming too comfortable and happy by yourself that you forget everyone else. I mean you come alone and you will die alone but that doesn’t mean you stay alone.
Genuine People enrich your life. A genuine connection with another human being is beautiful. I need richness, I need purpose, I need fun and I need spontaneity because i felt like that was the sort of person i was. That was all i was asking for. A me in someone else. And that’s exactly what i kept getting. At the time it felt like i was asking for a really big miracle but i couldn’t comprehend that i was getting the answers to my miracle in a different way. People in our lives reflect a part of how we see ourselves, aspects we enlighten and the aspects that are dark in us. So everyone that is in your life right now represents a part of you, yourself and you. So throughout my life I was asking for a full mirror when all i kept getting were broken pieces. Broke trying to fix the broken. And then I realised I was either the broke or the broken one.
I put more emphasis in my solitude towards my friends because that is where i felt like i invested myself more. Whether i was doing it consciously or unconsciously because that is where i was being drained the most. Lets be real, I was actually relieved with loosing a lot of them and a couple of losses hurt. The biggest one was loosing my best-friend.The BFFL(Best friend for life).That one friend you would seriously marry, if they were the opposite sex,Your maid of honor, your children’s God mother, You have visualized you’r whole future together, that one person you feel knows you the best. Loosing them, feels like you have lost a part of yourself. A part of your soul. But are they really your soul? It feels that way at the time but they really aren’t. Well not the only souls that you will encounter. Plenty more souls coming your way ready and waiting to meet you when you’re ready.
*Side note* To the people who have done you good, never speak bad of them, whether you ended on bad terms, or without closure. The ones who were there for you when nobody was. Always speak good of them.
Familiarity has a way of making people feel entitled to an explanation of your life, and the choices that we make. But the loss of a long friendship struck a cord in me, that your not as familiar as you think and that is okay.
I will ride with you through thick and thin, through the ups and downs, through joy, though it all but your not going to choose to die and take me with you. You’r dying alone. If i am breaking myself to make you whole then SAYONARA, it’s been good knowing you.
Be open but take your time on being content. Find yourself without trying to be like everybody else. Love yourself to become your own best-friend. You don’t need a squad, and eventually, the right people will come once you start acting like you deserve them. Will it get Lonely? Yes. Boring, If you allow it.
Life had a way of making me realize
I AM A RIDER BUT I WON’T DIE WITH YOU.
What are your guys thoughts and experiences with this concept.